Took some dextroamphetamine (it’s in ADHD medication) the other day and it has made me a little confused.

I’ve been feeling pretty down for the last few months and it was just starting to become normal (not smiling at anyone, not responding to jokes, not trying to make friends etc). When I took the dexies I found myself smiling at people. The little things I’d get really irritated or stressed over (someone bumping into me, a useless lecture, forgetting something, being late) didn’t trigger such an irrational response. I’d see nice things and smile. Someone in a tute would make a joke and I’d laugh. I’d ask someone how they were and genuinely care about their answer. People who talked to me suddenly didn’t seem as stupid and irritating. I found it really easy to concentrate through all my classes and the things I had to do afterwards. And the worst part was that I knew that should be normal. I wasn’t super happy or hyperactive or anything. I just felt balanced.

I don’t want to rely on medication to feel happy but it just felt so good, and I can’t think of what else will work. There’s actually nothing wrong with my life. I love my job. I love the guy I’m seeing. My family has been pretty okay. I’m doing pretty okay at uni. So I don’t know what’s making me feel down but it’s apparent that the drugs change it.

I also don’t think I can just say I’ll take them for exams and then stop, or just when I need to get a lot done - I imagine they’re somewhat more addictive than that. 

The other thing is that coming back on my own tumblr was pretty triggering. I’ve been feeling pretty negative in terms of body image in the past week or so - bad skin and I’ve gained quite a bit of weight in the past few months, which I thought I wanted to do because I got really skinny a few months ago.. Have now changed my mind. Thinking to take a lot of vitamins and spirulina, cook at home more, no more junk food and that sort of thing. But even doing that, or even exercising, I don’t tend to lose much weight unless I get really upset about something and lose my appetite. So I’m not sure what to do about that.

And even writing all that out hasn’t solved anything for me. Beh.

Come on skinny love, just last the year
Pour a little salt we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order’s tall

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
In the morning I’ll be with you
But it will be a different kind
I’ll be holding all the tickets
And you’ll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love what happened here
Suckle on the hope in lite brassiere
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full; so slow on the split

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
Now all your love is wasted?
Then who the hell was I?
Now I’m breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?